Today marks the one year anniversary of losing what would have been my third baby. It is hard to think that one year ago I was laid up in a hospital bed, dosed up morphine, waiting to go down to surgery. Devastated and terrified. I had heard of ectopic pregnancies before and knew they were life threatening. I knew the surgery was not optional, especially if I planned to live! However, this did rid me of the feeling of guilt. Ending a pregnancy, the life of my baby that I certainly did not want to end! After the surgery I really struggled. With the pain, the emotions, all of it was so much to deal with. As the year has gone on the feelings have become easier to bare. I still feel the loss greatly. As a newborn baby photographer in hertfordshire I am surrounded by newborn babies all the time. While I grieve the loss of my own I do not feel any less joy for all the parents that walk through my door with their new little bundle. If anything it has made me a better photographer and a better person. I realise now more than ever how important it is to capture the details of your baby and those early days that so many people do not get to experience.
I always wonder what my life would look like now if we hadn’t lost baby 3. Would I have another son or another daughter? They would be 6/7months old by now, would they be sitting up and giggling? If I had not fallen pregnant whilst on contraception would my pregnancy have been just a normal pregnancy? So many what ifs that will never be answered.
A year on I am putting all of my energy into my own kids and my business. Treasuring them even more. I would also like to use this blog to raise awareness on Ectopic Pregnancy. It is far more common than people think. Please feel free to share this post so that more people can see the poster created by the amazing charity ‘The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust’. This charity was my saviour after my ectopic pregnancy. Chatting to other women who had gone through the same thing on their forum and the fantastic FAQ pages helped me in ways I can’t explain.
Please be aware that everyone can experience the symptoms differently. For me I had no missed period, I had extra bleeding in-between, lower back pain then sudden agonising pelvic pain that did not go away and caused me to be unable to walk.